This is a question from James, for whom the revelation that the Tudors didn’t have electricity raised a conundrum.
King Henry the Eighth he was feeling frustrated
And getting quite bored which was something he hated.
He called on his courtier Tymme Burnerres Leighe
And demanded “You need to do something for me:
I want to select a sweet maiden for marriage
And bid on a new horse and maybe a carriage
I need a new jester for making me laugh
But one who can’t see me when taking a bath.
I want all the news from the neighbouring nations
But parliament causes me such indignation
Though banquets are always considered a treat
Sometimes I would rather stay home and just eat!
I need you to make me a thingamajig
That makes all this happen. It needn’t be big.
A clever contraption I hold in my hand
That brings me the news from all over the land.”
So Tymme he bowed low and to Henry he said
“Sire, consider it done” (for he valued his head)
And he thought and he thought till he had an idea
Like a great blinding flash it was suddenly clear
So he rigged up a tablet of finest black slate
And a piece of white chalk for his dear head of state
and the chalk had a filigree handle so fine
Which in turn was held up by some pieces of twine
And one was attached to a lady in waiting,
Who’d draw all the women the king could be dating
And one line went down to a man at the stable
When horses were sold he would yank on the cable
Another was held by a consummate fool
Who drew funny cartoons with the delicate tool
And one line led to parliament. This could be used
To relay all important political news
To the kitchens, of course, one more line would lead back
To be pulled when his majesty fancied a snack.
The king, when he saw it, was really delighted
And Tymme Burnerres Leighe was immediately knighted
And given a house and a sizeable pension
And everyone asked what he called his invention.
Sir Tymme said “I haven’t perfected it yet.
It still needs some work. But I thought: ‘Tudornet.'”
Tom Juniper Poetry 