#100MonstrousPoems 8: Afanc

You can’t trust a single bloody one of them.
Call me prejudiced if you like,
They’re all the same,
Those lanky, long-legged buggers.
Can’t trust em an inch, I tell you.
“Oh, beware the afanc!” they say
“Terrifying he is, with his great beaver’s tail
And his horrible snapping teeth!”
Tell me
What did I ever do to them?
Oh, that.
Well that’s trespass, see?
you come into my lake,
you’re invading my property!
I’m well within my rights
To eat what I like in my own house!

Just like humans, that is,
Thinking they own the place.
I’d have heard about it pretty quick
If I barged into one of their houses
without a by-your-leave.
Where’s the story
of when the dreadful afanc decided
that since it was a hot day,
and since he’d had a few beers,
and since he wanted to impress his mates,
he’d jump through a human’s front window
and piss in its living room?
Never heard that one, have you?
No.
Me neither,
but have you seen Llangorse lake on a sunny Saturday?
Yeah, well, I rest my case.

And when I say not one of them can be trusted
I mean it.
It’s not just the obvious bastards, like,
it’s the do-gooders:
“Oh look at this magnificent beast!
I’m sure he’s harmless really:
he’s probably more scared of us than we are of him!”
The condescending little shits!
First of all,
I’m not a bloody tourist attraction.
Magnificent, my arse!
Second of all,
I’m not scared of the likes of them.
I know their type.
Sing you to sleep and then clap you in irons soon as look at you.
And who came off worse last time they tried that, eh?
And who’s still here?
Think I’m scared, just because I’ve got the sense to know a bunch of bastards when I see ’em?
Wait a minute…

OI! Humans!
I know you’re there,
eavesdropping,
So listen up:
I don’t like you,
and I don’t trust you,
but I’m certainly not bloody afraid of you.
Now get the hell out of my lake.