I wasn’t exactly expecting the hair.
Well, sooner or later I was, to be fair.
But in a much more theoretical way:
I thought “Well, it’s going to take time. but one day
I might have a beard and a flat, hairy chest!”
But here’s what is weird. I would never have guessed:
Cos they say, in the leaflet you get at the clinic, It’s not right away that your beard will come in. It’s expected to take a good number of years
For a thick, luscious face rug to fully appear,
And perhaps not at all, because mileage may vary,
But your face, for a while, isn’t going to be hairy.
So I kind of imagined that I would just stay
Smooth and boyish, that is, till the glorious day
That I’d wake up to peach fuzz, then bum fluff, then, oh!
The facial hair proper’s beginning to grow!
A whole lot of nothing, then BOOM! Brian Blessed!
And that was naïve, I will freely confess it
And being hirsute is a part of my goal…
But I certainly wasn’t expecting The Mole.
Because on my left cheek, I have got an old buddy
The size of a lentil. The colour is muddy
He’s always been hairy, but secretly so
I could feel his wee tuft, but to look, who would know?
Well, testosterone gel has just got him inspired!
He’s putting out feelers. They’re long black and wiry.
It looks like a spider’s camped out on my cheek
And that started, I think, in the very first week
I could shave him, I guess, but the thought kind of rankles,
I’m counting on him, now, to set an example
To all of the rest of my reticent follicles:
Give them a hint, let them know what is possible.
And the chest, it’s still smooth, and yet here is the killer:
My belly and thighs? Classic mountain gorilla!
And my shin hair is curly! There’s texture! There’s gloss!
It took 42 years, but I’m gathering moss!
There’s nothing but zits decorating my back
But an absolute jungle’s appeared in my crack.
Too much information? Well, next time beware
Of transmasculine poets obsessed with their hair.
Tom Juniper Poetry 