Joe has asked for a poem about a vampire who is attacked by a banshee who is trying to guard an ancient Egyptian tomb. Your wish is my command, Joe.
(Note: The banshee’s name is Grainne, which actually sounds like “Grun-ya”, so it does SORT of rhyme with thunder even if it might not seem like it)
It is cold in Transylvania
The weather’s getting rainier
The food’s always the same here
I really need a change
From my coffin and my castle:
All the cobwebs are a hassle
You can’t get the serfs and vassals
Anymore. It’s very strange
All the villagers despise me
And their manner is quite icy
Even Igor isn’t nice, he
Likes to mutter “Bat’th have fleath”
What would help? A nice vacation
In a different location
Maybe visit my relation
In the desert, Rameses!
There are not really a lot of us
That sleep in a sarcophagus
The other monsters scoff at us
For living in the past
So I went to see my cousin,
I admit that I was buzzin”
It had been at least a dozen
Decades since I saw him last.
When I reached his desert hideaway
A voice cried “Get out right away!
You nasty, bat-faced biter, stay
Back there, you can’t come in!”
And I saw somebody sitting
On the pyramid and spitting
Angry words at, me emitting
Such an awful, screeching din
Why’s a banshee here in Giza?
What have I done to displease her?
Though I should fly up and seize her
By the neck, instead I say
“I’ve just come here on a visit
And that’s not illegal, is it?
What have I done to elicit
Such a welcome? Go away!”
“I’ve been given my instructions
There must be no interruptions
So don’t come here causing ructions
For your entry here is barred
Rameses does not deserve this
Being bothered makes him nervous!
So I offered him my service
I’m his Irish bodyguard!”
At that point, the earth was shaken
I said “If I’m not mistaken
That’s the sound of him awakening
And honestly, I’m glad.”
As the mummy rose from under,
In a voice like desert thunder
He intoned “For Bast’s sake, Grainne,
Let him in! That’s cousin Vlad!
When I told you “No cold callers”
I meant tourists and explorers
Not our fellow eldritch horrors
But I should have been more clear.
It’s a miscommunication
There’ll be no recriminations!
Vlad, I thank you for your patience
And it’s great to see you here!”
And we laughed all night together
Even Grainne seemed much better
Once I’d promised her I’d get her
Lots of Transylvanian wine
And we’ve planned to go exploring
Staying in one place is boring
So we’ll visit lots of foreign
Parts, and then go back to mine.
Tom Juniper Poetry 