I fell right off the poetry wagon this week so here’s a slightly wonky sonnet to get me back into it.

I grew up under Section 28

At school, there were some things you could not say.

And though I learned the lingo far too late

That law did not stop me from being gay.

It stopped me and my peers from being taught

That LGBT people were around

It made it difficult to find support

But still, in spite of that, support I found.

This week I heard about a school with plans

To make sure that the staff will not respect

The names or pronouns of kids who are trans

Because of the “encouraging” effects.

Queer children will exist in spite of you.

Encourage them: with kids, that’s what you DO!

Halctidae are the species of bee that went in that woman’s eye in Thailand. They are Goth as fuck.

We have been happy here, well as happy as we ever are.
Being who we are, there’s an expectation that we maintain a miserable demeanor.
No gauche yellow stripes for us, no humming merrily among the bright and fragrant flowers.
We fly silent.
Black and shiny
We taste the sweat on the back of your neck.
We make our nests in your graveyards.
We wait for you to come and weep
And then we drink your grief.
The tiny goths of the hymenopterae.
The tear drinking grave bees
But when she came to tend her loved ones grave
She did not flinch from us
But gathered us gently, still pale and wriggling in the dirt.
She wanted us to see what she saw.
We traveled with her, grew under her protection
Such sights we saw.
Until the doctors gouged us out of her
And told our story.
And now we horrify and depress undreamed of billions.
We are Halctidae.

We are Hardcore.

Goths of the insect world.

Not very songy, but another story from my NHS days.

In the boardroom, 8 white, middle class, middle aged women

Are eating samosas, because it’s Divali.

And they want to demonstrate that they care about diversity,

So, today we had to order samosas for the 8 white middle class women to eat (with little bowls of spicy yoghurt sauce)

While they discuss the benefits of a truly diverse workforce.

(The caterer is Muslim

And does not work for the NHS.

But he’s the only non white person in this story,

And inclusion is very important to us)

The samosas represent the diversity.

That is so very important to us.

The managers discuss

The fact that a new senior manager needs to be found.

The best candidate? A white, middle class woman with a nursing background.

She’s a good fit, a likely asset.

And she’ll definitely bring diversity

(It’s so important that we celebrate diversity)

Because she used to work in Leicester city before coming here

And after all, Leicester is so much more diverse than Derbyshire.

The managers congratulate themselves:

They remembered that it was Divali

And they asked us to order Samosas.

So
If they ever do hire a Hindu to the management team
They can be sure

They will have created an inclusive working environment:

Because, today, 8 white middle class women

Ate samosas

In a management meeting

To celebrate diversity.

They’re doing such a lot

To create an inclusive working environment.

One day they’ll realise their diversity dreams.

It’s not their fault

That other white middle class women

Always seem like such a good fit

On their team.

As a former NHS worker I can say that official complaints about poor treatment of trans patients are rare, especially when complained to the “unofficial” complaints I would hear from within the community. I know it’s scary to try to explain what someone is doing wrong when what they are doing wrong is negating your personhood, but there are many actual allies in the NHS and they can and will make your voice heard.

If your GP receptionist

Already knows about your gender

But always seems to get it wrong

It’s not your job to not offend her.

It’s ok to put her right,

It shouldn’t cause her too much pain

But if she will not see the light

Complain. Complain. Complain. Complain.

If you ask to be referred

Into your local gender clinic

And your GP is being absurd,

A patronising gender cynic,

Saying that you are mistaken

Hinting that you are insane

That is not their call to make:

Complain. Complain. Complain. Complain.

Needing medical attention?

Lying still to have a scan?

And your medic asks the question

“How are you not just a man?”

You’re not there to educate her

Ill and frightened and in pain:

Take a breath and wait till later

Then, complain. Complain. Complain.

It might seem that there’s no use in

Making calls and writing letters

But we’re not here for abusin’

Our health service can be better

It’s not simply pointless bitchin’

Allies in the NHS

Really need the ammunition

They will help you find success.

Bigotry and hate affect us

But when we are in their care

There are laws that should protect us”

Make sure they are made aware.

No, we shouldn’t have to do it

Yes, it really is a pain

But, they’ve got to learn, so screw it.

When they get it wrong, COMPLAIN.

NHS complaints information

Action For Trans Health

Various resources from Gendered Intelligence

I had some help with this one, in the form of my girlfriend serenading me with the chorus yesterday, because reasons. Also it might be upsetting to those with a vivid imagination. If that’s you, maybe give clicking any links a miss.

It’s difficult reading the news in these times

With climate change, Brexit and human rights crimes

You’ll look and you’ll wish that you just had not seen,

And you’ll desperately search for a way to feel clean

But don’t put bleach in your eyes

You’ll have a nasty surprise.

I really must warn ya

You’ll burn out your cornea

So don’t put bleach in your eyes.

The wonders of nature aren’t all very nice

You click on a link and it’s burrowing lice!

Though you crave disinfectant, resist the urge please,

When you read about eye-dwelling tear-drinking bees…

But don’t put bleach in your eyes

It’s not what I would advise

Because I am bettin’ ya

You’ll burn out your retina

So don’t put bleach in your eyes.

And Twitter is full of some terrible takes

“Like “Chemtrails: the REAL danger; climate change: fake!”

“Vaccines cause autism, we know the cure!”

Not being able to see sounds like heaven, I’m sure.

But don’t put bleach in your eyes

It won’t get rid of the lies

It’s worse than a virus

Dissolving your iris

Don’t put bleach in your eyes.

Girlfriend: “I’m surprised you haven’t

written a song about Graham Linehan yet”
Me:… OK then.
(To the tune of

The Divine Comedy’s Songs Of Love, better known as the theme from Father Ted.)
Young G. Linehan
He had such plans
We had such hopes
But he, bigoted fool
Resorted to cruel
And transphobic tropes
And now, he tweets day and night
Gets into fights
And on all our nerves
Cos Graham belongs to TERFs
Brave feminist voice
He’s made the right choice
So rational and wise
That’s what his cronies say
But not even they
Believe all his lies
He thinks he is their king
But here’s the thing
He’s merely their serf
Yes Graham belongs to TERFs

“I’m not transphobic, and never have been!”
That word does not mean what you think it means.
He insults, mudslings and blames
Misgenders, deadnames, for all that he’s worth
Graham belongs to TERFs
Fuck you.
(Instrumental)

(Spoken) Graham, I’ve got some questions for you.
We all loved Father Ted, but that was because it was about a self important,
self deluding, sexist conman who believed he was much more
important than he really was.
Do you realise that you’ve become what you set out to mock?
And that fucking trans character in

the IT crowd,
did you really think a straight man reacting violently to the realisation
that his girlfriend was trans was something to laugh about?
And more importantly, Graham,
How DO I beat Beaver Bother?

“I’m not transphobic, and never have been!”
That word does not mean what you think it means.
So he plays their little games
Believes that he reigns when really he serves
Graham belongs to TERFs
The sad mascot of
The TERFs

Oh a broken heart I was nursing

Swore I’d never love again

But a voice inside said don’t just hide

There is more that you can can gain

It is time to get back out there

20 years since you were single

But my social skills

Are a real buzzkill

And I don’t know how to mingle

So a swiping I will go my friends

A swiping I will go

With a tap tap tap

On a dating app

Yes a swiping I will go

I downloaded OkCupid

Had a look at who was there

I was full of hope

But I soon said nope

For the cupboard it was bare

All the people who I matched with

Were people that I knew

And a fling with a friend

Has a sticky end

I was seeking someone new

So a swiping I will go my friends

A swiping I will go

With a tap tap tap

On a dating app

Yes a swiping I will go

I’d heard Tinder was more promising

More potential dates to choose

And they must like me

For me to see them

How then could I lose?

And when setting up your profile

You can tick non binary

But the genders you

Are attracted to

Can be strictly A or B

So a swiping I will go my friends

A swiping I will go

With a tap tap tap

On a dating app

Yes a swiping I will go

I selected “men and women”

Though my preference is more femme

Non conforming guys

Often catch my eye

Wouldn’t mind a date with them.

But once I started swiping

I began to feel bereft

The were multitudes

Of butch straight dudes

So I kept on swiping left

So a swiping I will go my friends

A swiping I will go

With a tap tap tap

On a dating app

Yes a swiping I will go

So I changed to women only

All the straight guys to avoid

But a bunch, I swear

Seemed to still be there

I was really quite annoyed

For it seems some heterosexual blokes

On their Tinder profiles lie

They’re so sure that dykes, then

Are bound to like them

Like really, dudes? Just why?

So a swiping I will go my friends

A swiping I will go

With a tap tap tap

On a dating app

Yes a swiping I will go

Oh I spied a lovely lady

On the app one springtime day

And to my delight

We had both swiped right

But this she had to say

“I am on here with my boyfriend

And we both love threesome porn…”

Now I don’t kink shame

Ah but all the same

I am no-one’s unicorn!

So a swiping I will go my friends

A swiping I will go

With a tap tap tap

On a dating app

Yes a swiping I will go

Now the thing with Lady Twitter

Is they’re all seeking true love

Whereas I had plans

For some one night stands

Not this first date U-Haul stuff

But at last I found a lady

Who just wanted no strings sex

And we’d just begun

To have some fun

When she went back to her ex

So a swiping I will go my friends

A swiping I will go

With a tap tap tap

On a dating app

Yes a swiping I will go

I had almost given up my friends

Was about to hit delete

But I made a pass

At one more lass

And we arranged to meet

And now it’s six months later

By the grace of God above

It is just my luck

I was down to fuck

But I fucking fell in love!

So a swiping I will go my friends

A swiping I will go

With a tap tap tap

On a dating app

Yes a swiping I will go

But my swiping days aren’t over

Though I’m all loved up you se

For my girl and I

Have a mind to try out

Polyamory

So you’ll find me on Tinder

Though I’m rarely swiping right

Cannot find someone

Only seeking fun

So I’m swiping left all night

But a swiping I will go my friends

A swiping I will go

With a tap tap tap

On a dating app

Yes a swiping I will go

“I sexually identify as an attack helicopter!

I sexually identify as thin!

I sexually identify as a right tosser

With smug little shit eating grin.”

“What if I wanted to transition to a dolphin?

What if I want to be a cat?”

What if you tried to be a decent human being

What if you transition into that?

“I don’t understand why you think you’re a woman”

“I just don’t get why you’d want to be a man.”

Well maybe it’s because I’m a self aware human

And you can’t see inside my head

And I can.

“I’m not being rude, and I’m not being funny

But I just don’t think what you are is real.”

Is this you being polite? Are you serious? Honey:

Let me call you a nothing and let’s see how you feel.

“There are men, there are women, there are some who transition,

But there’s only two genders, it’s binary”

Oh wow, I’m so honoured you have changed your position

On trans women and men, just to shit on me!

You don’t really know very much about gender

You don’t really care what you see on your screen

So why should I listen to you? Your agenda

Isn’t building bridges, it’s just being mean.

Evidently this 100 word challenge has become an outlet for some anger I’ve had for a while.

I’m sick of making persuasive cases

For you not being institutionally racist.

I’m tired of arguing

Against irreversible harm that you’re doing

I’m done with the debate

About whether some people are not cis and straight.

And no, I’m not going to re explain cis.

Because I’m tired of this.

You shouldn’t need anyone to say

“A more diverse and inclusive workforce will pay

Dividends!” You shouldn’t need a convincing business case

For not being bigoted, exclusionary bellends.

I shouldn’t fucking have to even say

That a service for people with health problems

NEEDS TO BE ACCESSIBLE TO PEOPLE WITH HEALTH PROBLEMS

A fucking tannoy in the waiting room in the hearing clinic?

“Mr Johnstone! Mr Johnstone?

Oh he must have give home.”

Forgive me if I’ve become a little cynical

This sort of thing should not be fucking typical.

And it is.

Along with appointment letters for the blind, no braille, no phone call,

Still I’m sure they won’t mind

At least they have a chance

Of someone reading it to them.

At least they get the letters

Before the day of their appointment.

Imagine the tremendous disappointment

Of waiting two years

Two FUCKING years

For an appointment with a gender identity specialist.

You wait and you wait and you don’t want to pester.

Yay, the letter arrives, the appointment’s fucking yesterday.

And missing it forces your name off the list…

So it’s back to square one

For another 2 years of waiting and wondering: Is this bigotry or incompetence?

And which is worse? Care from a service that hates you, or one that’s just this fucking dense?

I tried to believe you when you said you were willing to learn.

You nodded along when I raised my concerns.

But I’ve repeatedly banged my head against both sides now,

Professional and patient; I’ve been both, now I’m neither.

I’m unprofessional.

Impatient.

I’m not going to tell you

That treating minority staff and patients

With an absolute minimum level of respect

Is something you should do,

To tick boxes

To improve productivity,

To get a plaque on your wall praising inclusivity,

This is not up for debate, no.

I’m telling you now

That you’re GOING to do it.

Because it’s the right thing to do

And because I FUCKING say so.

When the CCG informed me that the youth group had to go

I told them “No.”

Because I knew that there were safeguards against removing commissioned services

Where there were no viable alternatives

And there weren’t.

They told me “But we never commissioned this!”

I told them “No, you didn’t, because you see

This youth group is much older than the CCG.

You commissioned us to educate seldom heard, high risk demographics about good sexual health.

To make STI screening accessible

Regardless of age, gender, orientation or wealth.

And that’s what the LGBT youth group is for.

And if you make us get rid of it your

Key Performance Indicators won’t be met.

The youth group helps us hit the targets you’ve set”.

They said “Still, it’s not in the service specification

And there’s no longer any ringfenced funding allocation

We can’t afford for you to hire a venue

So it’s going to have to stop.” “but then you

See, I said, we use the service user space, at no extra fee,

Hell, don’t pay me those two hours a week. I’ll run the thing for free!”

“About the service user space”, they said, “That’s going too.

We can’t have drop in sessions, we’ve got better things to do

With the building. Patients who need STI checks can go to the GU.”

Having special services for the LGBT community

Is segregation. Discrimination.

We do not wish to appear prejudiced you see,

So we’re slashing that community’s resources, for the good of that community.”

When the CCG informed me of their intent

I told them “No.

Never.

If that youth group goes

If the sexual health drop in goes

If the community outreach work goes

I will absolutely lose my shit.”

Nevertheless, it went.

Still.

The building where it used to be

Ended up being the occupational health office.

Which was a great way to cut costs.

So I spent a lot of time there anyway

When my shit got absolutely lost.