Well, I didn’t complete last year’s poetry challenge, but that’s no reason not to try this year.

A very loose theme. I want to write verse. Lyrics. Stuff that could be set to music.

Not always fully fledged songs, but I’m going to try to write with music in mind.

If you are a musician and you want to set some of them to music, be my guest. I’d be delighted to hear the results. If you get a lucrative record deal out of it, sharing is caring, yeah?

First installment will be up later.

Wish me luck!

Dedicated to the aural illusion du jour.

(Yanny, for the record.)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-trending-44136799

There’s a soundfile that’s making the rounds on the net

And when two or more listen it’s rather uncanny

For it’s always the same set of soundwaves and yet

Some people hear “Laurel” but others hear “Yanny.”

All over the world there are folks close to tears

As voices grow strident and tense in a quarrel

When one can’t perceive what another one hears:

‘It’s blatantly “Yanny”!’ ‘It isn’t! It’s “Laurel”!’

It really is rather unnerving to find

Out how much of our input is down to perception

We think we can trust what comes into our mind

Via our senses, but no! So what’s real? What’s deception?

What causes the difference in which name is heard?

Even scientists must to confusion confess

But my question is not about who hears what word:

Whether Yanny, or Lauren… WHAT COLOUR’S HER DRESS?

When I look at a spreadsheet

I see lines and boxes

That won’t stay where they’re told.

My brain refuses the meal

Because it hates the pattern on the plate.

When I look at a poem

Emotion leaps from the page

Barely pausing for me to decode it.

My brain gobbles:

Seduced by the packaging.

It’s valued because

It never, ever reacts.

(Used in wedding rings)

It’s really quite weird

That we can make things vibrate

And that the vibrations react with our ears

And that we sometimes cry

Because the vibrations remind us

Of times when we were sad.

There’s a gene

In your brain

That is very important

It separates your hemispheres

Makes sure you have two eyes.

You know,

Important things.

If yours isn’t formed right

You’ll be brain damaged

You probably won’t live very long.

Your parents will be devastated.

It’s very important.

And what did they name

This very important gene?

Sonic hedgehog

Sonic.

Hedgehog.

So now, doctors

Are forced to tell sobbing parents

That their child won’t survive

Because of sonic hedgehog malformation.

Don’t get me wrong,

I think this a good thing.

I’ve been a sobbing parent

Receiving the worst news possible

And the only things

That make it almost bearable

Are the little tiny moments

Of absurdity

That make you laugh hysterically.

Giving you a break

From all the crying.

OK, I’m arguably stretching the definition of science here but Gantt Charts are a planning tool beloved of project managers. And many projects involve science. Also, charts are pretty sciencey.

But really, I’m posting this because I wrote it in response to my friend Fay, a project management maven, responding “Gantt Chart, Baby!” When I commented that I was going to have to get organised.

The reason I need to get organised is I just found out I’ve been offered a slot to do a poetry show at the Edinburgh Fringe! More details as they happen… some of these poems MAY WELL feature!

Anyway. Apologies to Vanilla Ice.

GANTT CHART BABY

(Fill in a) GANTT CHART BABY

GANTT CHART BABY

(Fill in a) GANTT CHART BABY

Alright stop, collaborate and listen

Henry’s back with my brand new invention

Something needs to be scheduled neatly?

Flowchart with deadlines daily and weekly

Will it ever stop yo you should know

That’s what the chart is supposed to show

At a spreadsheet like Bill Gates I excel

At every stage there’s balances and checks, well

Dont just rush into projects like fools

Youll kill your scheme like a poisonous toadstool

Deadly when You don’t even have a plan laid

Worse off than anything mouse or man made

Love it or leave it you better use my way

You better hit targets the chart don’t play

If there was a problem yo I’ll solve it

in a timely fashion as my DJ revolves it

GANTT CHART BABY

(Fill in a) GANTT CHART BABY

GANTT CHART BABY

It’s Henry’s GANTT CHART BABY

My friend Cat wanted a poem about mendelevium. About which I know bog all. But I’ve tried to learn a bit.

In my head this is almost to the tune of Goin’ Courtin’ from the musical Seven Brides For Seven Brothers.

Mendelevium

Is an element

But it doesn’t naturally occur

It’s synthetic

And transuranic

And it’s very very strange for sure

Mendelevium

Can you believium

Can really only be produced

By throwing particles

At lighter elements

And an accelerator must be used.

For mendelevium

You take einsteinium

And throw charged particles right in its face

And it will become

Mendelevium

But you can’t make a lot

It’s a disgrace

I don’t understand

Mendelevium

It’s a thing that goes over my head

But I like the word

Mendelevium

So melodious when it is said!

Yes I word

Mendelevium

So melodious when it is said.

My friend Jenni requested a Bunsen burner sea shanty. You’ll have to make up your own tune.

There’s a bit of kit that you have to have

Won’t you watch it burn, son?

In a classroom that’s a science lab

Good old Bobby Bunsen!

Old Bobby was a clever lad

Won’t you watch it burn, son?

And he noticed something really bad

Good old Bobby Bunsen!

In a lab you need to heat things up

Won’t you watch it burn, son?

But it’s not like tea in a china cup

Good old Bobby Bunsen!

For there’s more to flame than hot and cold

Won’t you watch it burn, son?

And the heat of flames couldn’t be controlled

Good old Bobby Bunsen!

So he scratched his head and he scratched again

Won’t you watch it burn, son?

And he thought “It’s down to the oxygen!”

Good old Bobby Bunsen!

“What I need’s a way to quickly change”

Won’t you watch it burn, son?

“How much oxygen can fuel the flames”

Good old Bobby Bunsen!

So he made a pipe on a metal stand

Won’t you watch it burn, son?

With a winking eye you can move by hand

Good old Bobby Bunsen!

And he hooked it up to the gas supply

Won’t you watch it burn, son?

With a rubber tube that was cheap to buy

Good old Bobby Bunsen!

And I thank old Bob for his gift to science

Won’t you watch it burn, son?

Though it’s rarely used with the best compliance

Good old Bobby Bunsen!

For my students have a stupid game

Won’t you watch it burn, son?

Where they stick their hands in the “safety flame”

Good old Bobby Bunsen!

And my students (who are close to worthless)

Won’t you watch it burn, son?

Set their friends on fire – and they do it on purpose!

Good old Bobby Bunsen!

And they may think that they do no harm

Won’t you watch it burn, son?

But the bastards set off the smoke alarm

Good old Bobby Bunsen!

When I’m standing out in the pouring rain

Won’t you watch it burn, son?

Cause the fire alarm went off again

I’ll thank old Bobby Bunsen!

Bread’s carbohydrate

So is toast burnt to black de-

Hydrated carbon?