These spectral hounds have an unsavoury reputation,
But with the proper dedication, they make great family pets.
So let’s break it down.
Buying Your Barguest
Avoid back-alley Barguest breeders.
These are often unscrupulous:
Will try to sell you the whelp sight unseen
and instead of a demonic beast
with eyes like glowing saucers
There you are, having been sold, instead,
a rottweiler
with conjunctivitis
from all the glow-in-the-dark paint.
A reputable breeder can be found
on your local haunted lane
desolate moor
or ancient bier.
Look for a small and evil tempered gnome.
Bring gold.
For god’s sake be polite.
Settling In
Barguests are not often known to be lap dogs.
They prefer to be outdoors.
Make sure your new pet has access to food, water
And a secluded spot
Where mortals fear to walk at night.
That said,
A cosy basket by the fire
Will be appreciated on colder evenings.
Training Your Barguest
The normal dog training commands
Sit, fetch, roll over, stay,
Are ineffective with this type of breed.
“Back, fiend!” “Begone!” “Come, my dread minion!” “Kill!”
It may sound harsh, But barguests respond well
To their demonic nature being acknowledged.
It is important to
Build a bond with your pet.
An unholy bond. Light candles.
(Homemade, with human tallow, is the best. Store-bought will do.)
Chanting and dark magicks every night
will help your pet to trust you.
Barguests love routine.
Ritual.
Rites.
Enrichment Activities
Walks should be long,
Take place on misty nights.
Remember: barguests enjoy playing games
As much as any other kind of dog.
Enrichment is important:
Unwary lovers walking home,
Lost travelers
and local tall tale tellers
Can all provide much-needed excercise
and stimulation.
Health
Barguests prefer a raw food diet.
The great advantage is, this breed’s self-feeding.
Try not to think about that part too much.
Being spectral,
Barguests are not heir to ills of the flesh.
A regular check up at the vets is therefore
Quite unnecessary.
But it’s fun.
Remember, above all,
Your barguest is a Very Good Boy
Oh yes.
Oh yes he is.
Tom Juniper Poetry 
brilliant
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